“Is this thing on?”

“Yeah, see that little light is on.”

“Does that mean this is recording me? I can’t hear anything.”

“You hear it when you play it back, you dolt. Here give it to me.”

“No, I can do this, leave it. Stop! I wanna do this!”

“Scorp, you had never used a piece of Muggle electronic equipment in your life until you met me, and since then you’ve broken my mobile phone, my Gameboy and my electric toothbrush.”

“Well, this is different.”

“How?”

“It’s…bigger.”

“And a lot more expensive.”

“So? I’ll be care-oops!”

“SCORPIUS!”

“I caught it! It’s okay!”

“Jesus.”

“C’mon, smile for the camera.”

“Malfoy, give that to me before you break it and my dad kills us both; it was a wedding present from his cousin. I think it was the only nice thing he ever gave my dad, and if you damage it, we’re toast.”

“But I want this to be special, Al. It’s for Camden’s birthday.”

“Well, why can’t we just send her a special card? Or a special photo? Or a special strip-o-gram for god’s sake? Why does it have to be a video?”

“Al, she’s always been nice to us. We should do something nice for her.”

“What’s not nice about a strip-o-gram?”

“Al, you’re starting to talk bollocks.”

“And what’s all this about Camden being nice to us? Sometimes she’s really mean! How many times has she written us all angsty to each other? Must be hundreds!”

“Yeah, and how many times has she had us fucking our brains out? How mean was that?”

“Okay, I admit, those parts weren’t bad, but damn, all the bullshit we have to go through just to get to the fucking?! Sheesh! Are you sure she’s worth it?”

“Al, do you want to keep fucking or not?”

“What? Of course I do?”

“Then shut up and let me do this. You’re sapping all my creative juices.”

“Don’t talk to me about juices; you’re giving me thoughts I don’t want to have while you’re at the helm of a video camera.”

“Wicked! Could we film THAT?”

“Are you completely fucking crazy? And just suppose my dad finds THAT by mistake?”

“He’d never be able to watch it because according to you, I’m going to break the camera long before we get anything filmed.”

“Don’t remind me.”

“Now, what do you want to say to Camden?”

“I don’t want to say anything! I want to send her a fireman who takes off his clothes.”

“Huh?”

“It’s a…never mind. Just get on with it.”

“Well then, smile, Al…like you mean it…Albus, she’s going to know you’re taking the piss if you smile like that.”

“No she won’t.”

“Yes she will! That’s the same smile you use whenever you tell my mum and dad that you’ve enjoyed yourself at the Manor.”

“Bullshit.”

“Ha! You used it all the time during half-term when we went to mine. I know all of your smiles. That’s the ‘I’d-really-rather-not-be-here-but-I’ll-stay-to-humour-my-boyfriend-and-the-sooner-we’re-away-the-better’ smile.”

“You are SO making that up!”

“I’m not. Ask anyone in Transfigurations. You have that smile plastered on your face whenever Patil calls on you for anything.”

“Scorp, that’s because I’m trying to humour her. She hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you.”

“She does! She’s pissed off I’m not in her House.”

“And I’M pissed off you’re not in her House. Then we could fuck all the time since you got me banned from your dorm.”

“It’s not MY fault you broke that poor Prefect’s heart when she found us together.”

“She should have known a Malfoy would never go for a Hufflepuff girl.”

“Yet you seem to have no problem fucking a Hufflepuff boy! Wait! How did we get back to fucking?”

“Don’t know but it’s a nice subject.”

“Scorp, are you going to make this film or not?”

“You know, you’re really quite cute when you’re cross.”

“Yes, I know. Now, back to my ques-”

*Long pause*

“Right, the camera. What are you going to say to Camden?”

“I was planning on just smiling and saying ‘Happy Birthday’, but I’m afraid to now in case you accuse me of being insincere.”

“Oh, all right. I’ll stop telling you what to do.”

“Can I have that in writing, please?”

“Albus…”

“Okay, okay, start the thing up. Carefully!”

“Right. It’s on.”

“Er...Hi Cam. This is Albus Potter. You probably know who I am…er…well, I’m sure you know ‘cause you write us and all…and I think you’re really terribly clever and…oh, god, I’m starting to sound like my Uncle Ron during his Best Man’s speech at my Uncle George’s wedding.”

“Albus, do you think you could stop waffling and start making with the birthday wishes? You still have to film me, you know. And you weren’t smiling at all, that time, by the way.”

“Scorp, I’m just gonna end up sounding like a twat. You do it. Gimme the camera.”

“Okay.”

“Right. We’re rolling.”

“Rolling where?”

“Just speak, dammit!”

“Hi Cam, this is Scorpius, the cute one. OW! Sorry, I meant to say the sophisticated one. OW! Right, I’m the other one that isn’t Al. Oh, this IS stupid, she knows who I am!”

“Harder than you think, isn’t it?”

“It’s not hard at all at the moment…but it could be if you put that camera down.”

“Scorp, this was YOUR idea. If you keep getting side-tracked by your cock, we’re never gonna get this to her in time.”

“Let me worry about Cam’s birthday, you worry about my cock.”

“What about her present?”

“We’ll think of something…”

End